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i started a diet and i joined a gym.
uh-oh...I am:  accomplished my ears are hearing: taste of ink-the used |
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I was in my room packing and trying to find my phone and i saw something fly past me. So I looked again and i saw that it was a fucking wasp. I screamed like i have never screamed before and as i went to run out of my room, i realized that my door was shut and i tried to open it to get out and it got stuck. god. Im fucking freaked the fuck out now....i dont want to be in here...thank god im leaving in like 10 minutes...I am:  scared |
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*when someone tells you they will call you in x amount of time and then they dont...and then they get upset because you are upset at them for that...
*when girls wear high heels that either they can not walk in therefore it looks like they are show ponies when they walk, or they hurt so bad that they make you walk like a retard...
*when people...especially friends say that they can not stand someone who is very annoying and an uber bitch, yet they continue to talk to them and make plans with them and be all buddy buddy with them instead of cutting ties...AFTER THEY SIT THERE AND SHIT TALK THE PERSON AND TELL YOU HOW HORRIBLE THEY THINK THEY ARE AND SHIT...It makes me want to vomit. It makes me wonder what these people are really saying when im not there or behind my back...are they true friends???
*When girls let theit boyfriends rule their lives. As much as they say how independent they are and how they can do things with out their boyfriend, when it really comes down to it, they let their boyfriends make the decisions for them. They blame the fact that they cant go out because their boyfriend doesnt want to, or because of something else that their boyfriend said...GAH...
*when someone you thought you had something going with falls off the face of the fucking planet. I think that hurts more than a bad break up. There is no closure. I still hurt.
*When people are so fucking rightious and they think that they cant do any wrong. They are always telling you what to do and how to do it and why they think you should do it that way. I mean thats cool and all, but i fucking hate it. I like to learn for myself. Dont tell me something is bad and not to do it because thats only going to make me want to do it more. I appreciate the "advice" but please, keep it to your self unless i ask you or im like on the verge of death and destruction because of my stupid choices.
*fucking fake ass bitches that steal friends...
*the most perfect shoes that dont fit
*my mother
*being sick
*not being where i want to be...
*knowing that 2 of my best friends will be leaving soon... :(I am:  shit-tacular my ears are hearing: ms. new booty-bubba sparkxx |
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In the beginning of 2005...
Did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yes...
What was your outlook on the world? i thought that it was finally getting a little brighter
What did you most look forward to? celebrating 3 years and going to bonaroo and actually spending the holidays together
Did you make New Year's Resolutions? I think so
What was your biggest worry? trying to get a job
Who was your best friend? Jenny and Marcela
What did you do with your spare time? went to Chris's
What did you do for fun? went out to bars and went to Chris's
In the middle of 2005-- the summer
Did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no...i had dates though
Had your outlook on the world changed? definately. It was a much darker place
What did you spend your summer doing? dating and hating myself and wondering why life was the way it was
Did you get tan? only the WORST tan EVER
Who'd you hang out with, mainly? Kelly, Greg, Andrew, Zac
Did you go visit anywhere? San Diego and Vegas...oh and Laughlin
What was your biggest worry? that i was never going to be loved
What was the most fun event that happened? either the random on a whim trip to laughlin or vegas...lol
And as the year draws to an end...
Still got a significant other? no...i havent had one since February. But thats ok.
What major changes have happened since the year began? I got another job...a much better job that will take me further than my last job, I have a different out look on things, Ive learned to let go.
Is your life any different from when it started this year? a hell of a lot different...its pretty carazy.
What thing that happened stands out in your mind? theres too many things to name...not just one moment sticks out...lots of good and bad things have happened and they all hold a significant meaning to me...but if i had to name one, id say it would be all the life long friendships i have either made *Anna* or strenghtened *Kel, Amber* and the ones I have made work and strenghtened despite the distance *Heather, Jenny(Ohio), Jenny(Maryland)*
How have you changed? Ive become stronger. Ive learned alot about myself. Ive learned alot about others. I've learned to drop the shit from my life that i dont need, and cherish the good things I have. I'm still learning tonot dwell on things, and how to make my skin tougher...but i think im on the right path...
What was the most embarrassing moment? um...getting shit ass drunk in vegas and acting like a tool infront of SA... :(
When was your lowest point? I'ds say...middle of april til about mid october...end of october...
Are you happy with how the year went? Um...i dont know. I cant say im really disappointed because i made it what it was. I wouldnt go back and really change anything though, because i learned alot from the mistakes and decisions i made this year. Im more happy with the way the last 2 months of this year have turned out.
What thing would you change if you could? absolutely nothing. Life is not worth living if there is regret.
For 2006...
What do you plan to not do that you did this year? I plan to not be so hard on myself and to be comfortable with myself and being alone.
Do you think it'll be better than this year? I really hope so.
Do you think it'll be WORSE than this year? You never know...but i really fucking hope not because this year was pretty fucked up in more ways than one
What do you plan to do next year? do better in school. advance in my job. maybe move. Improve myself. Cutting cigarettes out. Drink more. Travel. Clean my room. Get a car. Get my life on track. Listen to more music. Not care so much about what people think about me. Get a tougher skin.
What are your pre-New Year's resolutions? Lose weight and tone my body. Thats always the one resolution that goes down the drain
Who are you spending New Year's Eve with? i dont even know yet. I just hope im not alone...
And to wrap it up..
What one thing would you like to say as the year is almost done?
Thanks to everyone who has effected my life somehow this year, either good or bad. You made me stronger and you kept me alive. You helped me win the battle. You helped me to see and understand and learn many things...either about myself or about you. You helped me weed you out, or learn that you were worth the world to me. Fuck you and good riddance to those of you who are no longer in my life...and i say that with a breath of fresh air. And Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those of you who are still around and stood by me through thick and thin. I love you more than you will ever know.I am:  i just am... |
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Or happy holidays. Whatever it is you use...make it happy.
I on the other hand am trying to make the best of it...no christmas tree, no presents for me, but like 10 million for my already spoiled to no end brother...no special boy... :(I am:  sad my ears are hearing: christmas piglet-PUSA |
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Mark Holt lost his long battle with cancer yesterday. He was such a great individual...my thoughts and prayers and heart go out to his family and friends...
RIP Mark
:(I am: mourning |
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Oct. 23rd, 2005 @ 11:39 pm
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Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know.
I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don't know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.
At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.
A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.
I know it's not perfect, but it's life. Life is messy sometimes
At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.I am:  feeling like never before my ears are hearing: http://www.chrispork.com/code/rinoa.html |
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311 in santa barbara!
i love last minute connections ;)my ears are hearing: eons-311 |
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im so tired of life being so unrewarding lately. I have no one to blame but myself.I am:  cold and sad my ears are hearing: Sarah Said-DCFC |
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when will it all END???
GAH!I am: crappy my ears are hearing: long for the flowers-311 |
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first they tell us we have to start working tueseday and thrusday nights and saturdays...
then the cut our fucking hours.
Search for a new job is ON LIKE DONKEY KONG...
fuck Borders.
Seriously people, go shop at B&N... :rolleyes:I am:  pissed off my ears are hearing: Asshole-sum farty one |
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I hate wallowing in self pity, but it seems that that is all i have
been doing lately. I want to stop it, but everytime Im at that place
where I can say, I'm over it!, something else pops up and kicks me
farther down than the low point that I had previously been at.
I thought I was over someone...but seeing pictures of this person with
the girl who had broke his heart and made him so bitter, hurt so much.
Because at one point in time, I was the girl in the pictures next to
him, wide smiles plastered across our faces, kissing, hugging, holding
hands, making funny faces.
And then it makes me think of pictures that could have been. Not only
with him, but with others. The others after him. The other after him
that was so good. But how can I say how good it was if it ended? The
end means that there was no good at all doesnt it? But i wanted it so
badly...it was supposed to happen. But...ugh.
Im supposed to be studying right now, but im stuck in this black hole and i cant seem to climb out of it.
Why do i have such a need to be loved and wanted by someone that isnt a
family member or one of my best friends? Is it always going to be this
way, even when i have that "other person" to love and need me? Am i
always going to feel this void?
Or, is it really that i meed to love and need myself before i can get
it from that "other person"? And i really think it is the later, because
it is the one i deny. The truth i can not bear to speak nor hear. But
if i cant do it, then who will?
Why am i so scared of myself? Why am i so adament on running away and
escaping? Why cant i just deal and face and own up to things?
Why...how i hate the word that these three letters form...
And damn Damien Rice for his heart wrenching lyrics...and for making me cry.
*sigh*
i need a big hug. I need an ear. I need a whisper. I need him...but who is he?I am: depressed my ears are hearing: damien rice |
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poop
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Sep. 7th, 2005 @ 05:23 pm
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so school started yesterday. I had a test in math, which took me a few years to finish, but i think i did ok on it. Business was long and a bit dragged out, but i think it will get better after that first class. Have to wait to see if i can get into an english class tomorrow...and that doesnt sound like fun at all...poop.
I have a shit load of homework.
Gah...this song...
House sitting is...well sad and lonley. I dont know how much i like "living on my own". if i did it, i think id have to get a roommate. I'd be too depressed by my self all the time. Yea...
anyway...yeaI am: i need you so much closer... my ears are hearing: Death Cab for Cutie-transatlanticism |
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i feel so defeated. i feel so sick. I feel so broken. So empty. So dark. So not the girl i was one month ago...I am: depressed my ears are hearing: fix you-coldplay |
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and
but i would like to add this:
ohhhh damn it! its not on the website!!! its this fleece zip up hoodie from A&F but its lined with faux fur...ohhhive been dreaming of it since i first saw it. I tried it on today...and it was like butter...
*drools* |
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thats what i say.
Being sick in the middle of the summer is like being forced to walk out in the snow in your bathing suit in the dead cold of the winter...thats how badly it sucks!I am: sick my ears are hearing: the killers-midnight show |
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came home last night to my mother telling my dad that she wants a divorce.
came home today to my mother on the phone with a lawyer discussing what needs to be done.
great start to my month...I am:  i want to die |
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wtfwasithinking's journal
